Sunday, February 14, 2010

Do I write to heal?

I write to write. I mean, we do things for different reasons, but I write because I like it. I pose questions, make statements, and give an update, to myself (and whoever else may read this) about myself. It's almost purely a retrospective tool. I've said this for years. I also use it as an indirect way to communicate.

I remember in august of 2008 how I felt about the year before and I was in a much less detrimental situation, but felt worse than I have ever felt. This must be the single most important progress I have made. I am doing ok today and there is nothing that you can do or say to make me feel otherwise. The difference between me then and me now is personal accountability. I know what I did wrong.

I will not demonize myself, my beliefs, or my actions anymore. It's very easy to break someone like me down, but how many times will you do that to someone and expect them to come back. Thats borderline. Thats pathological. That fucking evil.

So i write to heal today because I want to. I may not write tomorrow, but I can, and that is settling.

Embracing freedom is not easy, but the past few weeks have been so good in some ways because of that freedom, I cannot even fathom why. Maybe it's because I face my issues head on, fail, succeed, fail, succeed and not move on to new things without fixing what I did wrong the time before. Learn something.

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