Thursday, February 25, 2010

South Pointe Park, Art, and Marmalade Tofu with Spinach and Cous Cous

This is what my day is going to look like today. I am sharing this day with Lucia Morales, who rules, and did I say, rules?
Anyways, I just wanted to post this because I wouldn't change where I am today for anything. Familiarity was overwhelming three weeks ago, but today, I am finding new things in my beautiful city. I try not to run away from my problems. At times they overwhelm, at others they are not even on my radar.

Heres to dealing with things and growing the fuck up.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Just a reminder

It is funny how things work out. I mean, you can never see ahead when you're in it, but when you're out, it's clear. It's crystal fucking clear. Today is a good day.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Do I write to heal?

I write to write. I mean, we do things for different reasons, but I write because I like it. I pose questions, make statements, and give an update, to myself (and whoever else may read this) about myself. It's almost purely a retrospective tool. I've said this for years. I also use it as an indirect way to communicate.

I remember in august of 2008 how I felt about the year before and I was in a much less detrimental situation, but felt worse than I have ever felt. This must be the single most important progress I have made. I am doing ok today and there is nothing that you can do or say to make me feel otherwise. The difference between me then and me now is personal accountability. I know what I did wrong.

I will not demonize myself, my beliefs, or my actions anymore. It's very easy to break someone like me down, but how many times will you do that to someone and expect them to come back. Thats borderline. Thats pathological. That fucking evil.

So i write to heal today because I want to. I may not write tomorrow, but I can, and that is settling.

Embracing freedom is not easy, but the past few weeks have been so good in some ways because of that freedom, I cannot even fathom why. Maybe it's because I face my issues head on, fail, succeed, fail, succeed and not move on to new things without fixing what I did wrong the time before. Learn something.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Thoroughly unenthusiastic today

I am not sure why this is. I have been blaming the never-changing scenery that is Miami (maybe it is more fair to say the familiarity is overwhelming). I am in a very transitory point where I cannot see forwards, but only backwards. It is definitely a pathos I wish to disengage from. Is it an active move to stop this? Or does it just happen? I do not try to fill my days with distractions. I do not replace people in my life with others because I am afraid of solitude. I do not feel like I am better off necessarily today, but I know that as everyday passes I will eventually change that. I am not running away from anything.

I want to make that specifically clear. I know my limitations as a human being. The prospect of moving is certainly inspiring, but what if I carry over my problems and my attitude today over to another city? I obviously do not want this to occur and thats why I am making the changes I need to in my life.

I do not WANT to, but I NEED to. Lets wait until that changes to desire. When that happens, I think it would be easier to process all the things that cause a stutter in my life.